Barbecues....FIRE!!!!!

To make the most of the glorious weather, we had been indulging in quite a few barbecues recently. Last week was no different and off I went with the kids to go and get the grub and coals. Shock horror...all coals sold out and all that was left were disposable ones. Bugger it, I thought I'll just get a couple of them...what can go wrong? Firstly, I couldn't light the blooming thing. I had no matches so I tried a lighter but the flame wouldn't catch and kept burning my thumb. Secondly, when it eventually got going, the coal didn't heat up very well so it took ages for the food to cook. Well, we did eat and all had a good time. About an hour later, I asked my eldest daughter if she would put some rubbish in the wheelie bin outside. She came in and asked why smoke was coming out of the bin. "Don't be stupid" my reply was "it must be dust puffing out as you opened the lid"

After a few minutes, I could see my wife thinking about something. "You didn't put the barbecues in the bin outside did you darling?" I asked. "Yes, but I poured water on them first"

So out I rush to find my wheelie bin bellowing out smoke. I open the lid and the flippin' thing is on fire. "Quick, water" I scream to the wife and kids staring at me whilst I re-enact a scene from Backdraft. "This will get you started" my wife says and hands me her half drank glass of coke. As I stood, staring at her with this look of bemusement I very calmly said "I think I may need a bit more than that sweetie"...can't help loving her!

Dad, can I have a monster?

As it has been lovely weather, I decided to take a day off work and we headed off down to the coast. Armed with plenty of sun block and sarnies we arrived at the lovely sandy beach at Bournemouth.

I was ready for a rest...three hours of being stuck in the car with four squabbling kids really takes it out of you! We tried playing I-Spy but my youngest decided to play the Tourettes version and "something beginning with T" had the guesses of "titties, transexual and twat" so instead we played "RIGHT THAT'S IT! NEXT ONE WHO SPEAKS CAN GET OUT AND WALK!!!" which lasted for at least five minutes...aah the peace!

Anyway, we made it onto the beach and I was shattered. Out came the soggy sarnies (complete with the odd bit of sand) and we happily munched away. Afterwards, I started to feel a little bit sleepy so my wife decided to take the three older kids for a paddle whilst the youngest (Tourettes child) built sandcastles next to me snoozing.

In my state of slumber, my daughter stood over me all excited and asked sweetly "Dad, can I have a monster?"

Half asleep I murmured "Cause you can darling" and dozed off again. I started to dream...and in my dream I could hear a lady screaming – It was very realistic.

"I think that's your daughter" a man said poking me on the arm. What I opened my eyes to was my youngest, complete with the rotting remains of a huge fish chasing some lady around the beach screaming. I promptly retrieved the monster...and the rotten fish after having some choice words thrown at me from one angry lady. (I think she may have had Tourettes too)

Yet another eventful outing!

Does my wife resent me?

I came home today and it was one of those days I wish I hadn't. The kids had been running riot since they got in from school. My wife had a face like thunder and I knew instantly what was coming. I will never learn...this has happened enough times now for me to know what not to say..."I guess they've been a nightmare then since I don't even get a hello" - now, red rag to a bull springs to mind.

She let me have it alright "And what would you know? You're at work all day while I have to look after the kids. I work, I come home to cook, clean and tidy up...I'm just a skivvy and no one appreciates me"

Now this really winds me up cos I am definitely a hands-on dad and I do my bit so we end up having an argument over the kids...again! (Why is it most arguments are over the kids?). In the midst of the row, I think to myself, blimey, it can't be that bad can it...she's overreacting. It ends up with her usually crying and me sulking.

On reflection, yes it can be that flippin' bad. My kids could make a nun swear. It must be so stressful having to be a worker, a wife, a cleaner, a mother, a cook, a taxi and maybe I don't appreciate her enough. When I have a bad day at work I can moan to my boss...who can my wife moan to? No wonder she wants to let off steam. So my question of does she resent me, the answer is no...she is a mum...the most important and hardest job of all but most unappreciated.

Can you help?

Hi all

I am thinking of starting a sideline business of image retouching, enhancing. Some of the services I will be offering will be restoring old photos, adding colour to b/w images and generally some photo retouching...but an an affordable price. I just wondered if there was much call for it and would appreciate any comments on how many of you would use such a service. I have shown an example of a quick one I did recently.

Thanks

Lloyd

Bad news this morning

Picture the scene...it was 9am on a Saturday morning...9am!!! The kids had all slept surprisingly late and it was quiet. The sun was shining through the bedroom windows and I could hear the birds singing cheerfully. This is lovely I thought to myself. I even thought about giving my wife a little kiss and cuddle but knew that the kids would instantly be awake and jumping on our bed. God forbid us ever having a bit of "us time". I lay there thinking if I should I check them but I selfishly thought "sod that, this peace is lovely!"

It was then I heard a commotion in our neighbour's garden. Bloody noisy people (ok, maybe I didn't refer to them as people) can't they be quiet this early? "We had better go and tell Lloyd" I heard the husband say. Now I took this as something bad had happened so I quickly threw on some clothes and went next door. I was greeted with sad faces and an explanation of how the kids rabbit had got into their garden and their dog had killed it...I have to admit my first thought was "that was a russian long haired pedigree and cost me two hundred quid". I can't help it...I'm a bloke.

So, I put the rabbit in a box and carried the coffin to my house. The kids were upset but my middle daughter was sobbing (she just loves fluffy things). I couldn't help thinking that if I slipped, the box lid might flip open and a limp fluffy bunny would be somersaulting through the air...that probably wouldn't help the situation!

I put the bunny coffin in the shed with ideas of giving it a full burial on Sunday. Later that day during lunch, we were discussing the untimely death.

"But I really miss Eddie" my middle daughter said.

"I know darling" I replied "but just think – he's up in bunny heaven now running and jumping with all his bunny friends"

"NO HE'S NOT..." my youngest daughter blurts out "He's in the shed stuffed in a box!"

You gotta love 'em :)

Hubby remote

After consulting with my wife, it seems you ladies only need one button on your hubby remote...

New remote control every parent needs

Hi all

I have invented this new remote control...who wants to try it out?

1 boy + 3 girls + shoe shopping = BIG STRESS

So here's the thing. We had just returned from town on a Sunday after a kickboxing training session, knackered and ready to collapse in front of the TV for the rest of the day (oh how exciting my life is) when my eldest daughter suddenly pipes up with "I need new shoes cos mine are too small"

Why is it shoes fit fine and then suddenly one day they are about three sizes too small?

So off the six of us trudge back to town to get her shoes. Usually my son who is 14 would stay at home but in between the huffs and grunts that come out of a hormonal teenagers mouth, I managed to decipher that he was bored and fancied a ride out.

In the shoe shop, I see a pair of shoes that I thought looked nice and showed them to my daughter. Her face said it all..."Urggh! Dad you have no style" so I told her to go and find some that were stylish. Within this time, my other two daughters jumped on the bandwagon and decided they need new shoes. I knew they were lying, my wife knew they were lying but we did what we usually do and gave in cos after half an hour in that bloody shop, I would have paid anything just to get out. Then my son wants some shoes because it's not fair they get treated and he doesn't...this is taking the mickey now. We go in for one pair of shoes, but end up looking for four pairs. It was nearly and hour now and the girls must have tried on about ten different pairs in all different sizes...my stress levels were at an all time high along with all the other poor parents in the same position.

Well, three of them managed to find some they liked except my eldest who we came in for in the first place. As I was standing there telling her that she would have to just hobble to school in her old pair, a friend of hers came in wearing the same shoes I had shown her originally "OMG I love your shoes...Dad, I want these ones"

Grrrrr!

WHY DO WE HAVE KIDS?

My kids drive me crazy at times. Wouldn't four hamsters have been easier? The other day they did nothing but argue, fight, swear and generally act like the devils spawn.

Both my wife and I were going nuts. Surely this isn't how it's supposed to be? We sat there trying to watch the TV whilst the little monsters knocked the crap out of each other and moaning that we never have time on our own, all our money goes on the kids and we are sick and tired of never having a decent holiday that doesn't involve a caravan...the list was endless of all the grief the kids bring us.

After a while, my middle daughter comes in the lounge with a piece of paper in her hands. She had drawn me (albeit with a very large head with wonky eyes, arms that looked like pieces of string and straw for hair( with big words above it saying I LOVE MY DAD

She rushes over and gives me a super big hug. I have a huge smile on my face and I have that feeling of totally unconditional love and I feel like crying. I give her a great big hug back.

Kids can put you through all kind of crap in a day but then they can do that one little thing...

That's why we have kids!

Hi honey, I'm home

It's 5 o'clock on a Friday and I'm just packing up getting ready to leave work. This week was hard...tight deadlines, masses of work, crazy boss...I was looking forward to the weekend and all I could think of on the hour car drive I had home was seeing my lovely family. I even burst into song at one stage screaming out a Bon Jovi classic.

I parked up on the drive, sprung out of the car like a spring lamb ready to be greeted with "Hi babe, oh how I've missed you today" or the kids all hugging me and beaming from ear to ear that their dad was home...but I entered to silence with the atmosphere so dense you could cut it with the preverbial knife.

My wife greeted me with "I've just gone balistic at this lot...I can't do this anymore and you will either have to work from home or get childcare cos if not, then I'm off"...and that's when my perfect dream ended and the shouting started.

Now I know my wife has a hard time - she works and looks after the house including our four kids but she could have least said hello first but no...it was a full blown rant about how she had it so bad and I didn't. So I did what men do best under these circumstances...I sulked!

After an hour or so and things had died down a bit (apart from my feeling hard done by and how I would never be like that) she went out for an evening with her friends. That's when it started. The kids were like they had eaten five boxes of Smarties each and were on such a high it was unreal. There was fighting, singing, fighting some more, chasing each other with sticks, fighting a bit more, shouting, swearing and it didn't stop for two hours until I finally snapped and sent them to bed.

A while later my wife walks through the front door, "Hi babe, I'm home"

Did I greet her with a hug that I had expected when I came home? Did I say how I'd missed her and loved her so much?

No..."They have been a bloody nightmare" I screamed!